The Quest to be Known

The best characters have quirks, flaws, and many facets. So why do we spend so much time in real life hiding these very things?

Writing teachers will always push their students to come up with details that make their characters human. One of the standard tips is to give a character a habit – the quirkier the better. If at first go, the character bites her nails, is there something different she could do that’s even more interesting?

One of my favorite examples is Brad Pitt’s character in Ocean’s Eleven (the whole series, really). That man is always eating. Every scene. No matter what time of day. Almost always messy snacks. I love him all the more for it — in large part, because I feel like I know him a little better.

All of us yearn to be known. We yearn to be understood as whole people, complete with mismatched parts, strange quirks, and many layers. But then we try never to show our bad habits, our guilty pleasures, our odd hangups.

And we wonder why we don’t feel like people know the real us?

A friend told me recently about an experience that touched him deeply, where he got to combine two disparate parts of his life and connect with others that shared the connection. He delighted in the experience, and it also left him feeling a bit emotional. I suspect that he was feeling closer to known — fully and completely.

If you find yourself wishing to be known, if you recognize that you are feeling disconnected, here’s an idea. The next time you’re having a good conversation with someone, see if you can reveal just a little insight into yourself you wouldn’t normally share. See if you can be just a little more honest — with a coworker, a friend, your mailman.

They might just be happy for a window into the real you. And maybe, someday, they will really, truly know you, too.